Squabbling Spouses
 Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
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Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
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Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it.
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
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CAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I’m going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven’t had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA’S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don’t want
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MATERNAL UNCLE’S LETTER TO HIS GRAND NEPHEW
Many thanks for your concern about my health. As I said, I have given up smoking and my ulcer pain has also gone. I feel much better now. Have no fear- I’ll live long, long enough to be able to come to your wedding. In fact I have fixed your wedding day on October 12, 2015 at Mawtawar in a very respectable Wahlang family. When I escort you there, people will be pleased and happy and they will kill the fattest boar (niangbri) which you love to eat. After that for the honey moon, you will be going to Wah Umshing to fish crabs in the moonlight. Crabs are very tasty if you roast them naked in fire and then marinade them with salt and lime.
Make no mistake that during the wedding ceremony, you will have to make a solemn Declaration, one which the sons of Israel have been making for thousands and thousands of years as recorded in the Old Testament.
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LAWS LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left
will start to move faster than the one you are in now. **********
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get an engaged one. **********
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. **********
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The Joy's of Parenting
- A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school clothes.
- An alarm clock is a device for waking up people who don’t have small kids.
- Anyone who says “Easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried it.
- Children don’t sleep ... They recharge.
- Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
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Beauty Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, Mommy?”
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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Yo Momma's so Fat...... Yo Momma so fat she went bungee jumping and went strait to hell!!!
Yo momma so fat when she walks around in Texas in high heels, she strikes oil!!!
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says “okay!”
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. |
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Crazy Answers to exam questions written by history students1. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. 2. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. |
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9 Words Women Use(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in ‘Fine’. |
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Humour
